I realize it might not be the most apt time to title a blog "A New Year" when we're all nine months into 2008 already, however it is a new scholastic year with similar implications. Please, bear with me.
I arrived in my off-campus apartment about five days ago. My room [was] cramped, empty, and for all intents and purposes sterile. No one has ever lived in this room, and it's a little uncomfortable and soul-less. I suppose it's high time I give this room some good juju. But, after a little rearranging and the purchase of a shower curtain I'm feeling a little more at-home. It's going to be a great place this year, allowing me both distance and proximity to campus.
Classes haven't started yet. Hopefully they'll be great. Enough said.
Seeing everyone again has been a trip as well. I'm so thrilled to see all of these people again, as if they're extended family I haven't seen in a while. I'm starting to realize just how much I love and appreciate some of them and the ways they make me laugh. Working for Pitzer Activities has been ever so swell as well, and new friends are sure to come of it. I'm rediscovering what an amazing thing it is to work--thinking about little else, losing myself in something besides myself, and keeping busy.
But when I'm not working, furnishing my apartment, or enjoying a meal with old friends, I'm getting caught up in the drama all over again. Those goddamned expectations rear their ugly head, and that paucity-ridden bastard child in my head continues to whine, "Why haven't you found someone? Y'know David you just might not be good enough..." Now I'm not in any way going to be high and mighty about this: my last blog is pretty much shot to shit. I thought I could find happiness in myself, and I did for a time, and now I'm bored.
So am I caught in some dangerous cycle of determining myself by the relationships I have or want to have? Oh let's hope not! I don't think the singular answer of loving myself was enough to stave off my misery. It's a multiple step process, I'm thinking. I have to keep busy, keep loving myself (yeah, again, so cliché), and keep the friends close. I think if I maintain all three of those points I'll get there. But that instant gratification thing is going to be hard to deal with. I mean that stuff's socialized way deep.
Be patient, David, be patient. Birds don't hatch and fly out of the nest on the same day. At least the hatching part is over with. Hopefully I'll find someone to teach me how to fly.
