The Triumvirate in El Paso

This last weekend, known to the Claremont College students as “Fall Break”, I decided to switch it up a little bit and journey to El Paso, Texas. Nearly throwing up at the thought of returning “home” to my respective hometown, I thought El Paso would be a wonderful way to bond with Alyssa, an actual native El Pasoan. And with similar sentiments as myself, Leah made three. Thus, the Triumvirate convened in El Paso.

We arrived late Friday evening at the Goldman home, to a dinner meticulously prepared by Susie Goldman. From the minute I arrived, I felt immediately as if I had stepped into a home I’ve had all my life. Everything was literally perfect, from the pillow-top bed I slept on (thanks Shauna) to Juanita, a housekeeper who took my dirty clothes and made them clean again. I felt comfortable enough to feel at home, but pampered enough to feel on vacation.

Every day we met one of Alyssa’s friends, each one more fabulous than the last. Oh and did we go shopping! I won’t go into details here, suffice it to say my purchases involved animal slaughter. We ate out at fabulous restaurants, and I feel like all Mexican food before El Paso was merely preparation for the real deal. Also, who woulda thunk Margarita salt on fries would be so delicious? And then there was that 80s party we went to in Las Cruces, New Mexico. We had to cross a slough to get there. Let me just also note that the party was so 80s that I ended up with black eyeliner smudged on my check by the end of the night.

We didn’t Fall Break so much as we Fall BROKE. It’s a different lifestyle out there in the EP, this much is for sure. It’s slower, less complicated, and friendlier. That’s not to say that El Paso doesn’t have its faults, but I think it’s an amazing place to be. All I’ve known my whole life has been moving around from place to place, house to house, without ever knowing what home really means. I feel like most people in El Paso know what home means, and for that I envy them. At this point, if El Paso and I hang out more, I’m pretty sure we’ll develop a friendship to last a lifetime.

A New Year

I realize it might not be the most apt time to title a blog "A New Year" when we're all nine months into 2008 already, however it is a new scholastic year with similar implications. Please, bear with me.

I arrived in my off-campus apartment about five days ago. My room [was] cramped, empty, and for all intents and purposes sterile. No one has ever lived in this room, and it's a little uncomfortable and soul-less. I suppose it's high time I give this room some good juju. But, after a little rearranging and the purchase of a shower curtain I'm feeling a little more at-home. It's going to be a great place this year, allowing me both distance and proximity to campus.

Classes haven't started yet. Hopefully they'll be great. Enough said.

Seeing everyone again has been a trip as well. I'm so thrilled to see all of these people again, as if they're extended family I haven't seen in a while. I'm starting to realize just how much I love and appreciate some of them and the ways they make me laugh. Working for Pitzer Activities has been ever so swell as well, and new friends are sure to come of it. I'm rediscovering what an amazing thing it is to work--thinking about little else, losing myself in something besides myself, and keeping busy.

But when I'm not working, furnishing my apartment, or enjoying a meal with old friends, I'm getting caught up in the drama all over again. Those goddamned expectations rear their ugly head, and that paucity-ridden bastard child in my head continues to whine, "Why haven't you found someone? Y'know David you just might not be good enough..." Now I'm not in any way going to be high and mighty about this: my last blog is pretty much shot to shit. I thought I could find happiness in myself, and I did for a time, and now I'm bored.

So am I caught in some dangerous cycle of determining myself by the relationships I have or want to have? Oh let's hope not! I don't think the singular answer of loving myself was enough to stave off my misery. It's a multiple step process, I'm thinking. I have to keep busy, keep loving myself (yeah, again, so cliché), and keep the friends close. I think if I maintain all three of those points I'll get there. But that instant gratification thing is going to be hard to deal with. I mean that stuff's socialized way deep.

Be patient, David, be patient. Birds don't hatch and fly out of the nest on the same day. At least the hatching part is over with. Hopefully I'll find someone to teach me how to fly.

The New Leaf, and How I'm Turning It Over

This past week, I've come to a lot of realizations about the state of my being. I felt sluggish, unhealthy, sick, unsatisfied, and often times moderately miserable. Ya basta, people, ya basta. So now David is up to some remodeling in hopes of getting out of this puddle of self-loathing. It simply isn't becoming of someone so young and potentially attractive.

First things first, relationships have been pretty ridiculous this summer. Not going to lie. I've learned a lot through the processes, but I'm a little exhausted and tired of it all. So I decided to enter into a relationship I never even considered: a relationship with myself. Now I'm not at all going to deny the fact that this is a pretty cliched concept. Being so cliched however, I'm surprised I didn't think of it sooner. So starting now, I'm cutting myself off from anything resembling a "prospect" or potential date. I need to do some introspection for a while--figure out how to enjoy, respect, love, and spend time with me.

I'm hoping this won't take long, this whole self-discovery. But I'm almost certain it will [conversely] last a lifetime. It won't ever really cease, but I think for now I need to reach a satisfying quota of selfishness. It's really been nice though. I go to Whole Foods, buy foods to cook for myself, treat myself regularly to White Gummis at Jamba, and meditate for periods of time. I'm working out regularly (praise Great Spirit), eating better, and just trying to squeeze every last bit of enjoyment out of life.

The bottom line is, regardless of what my dating status is, I need to be able to be happy. I'm also trying to be more appreciative of people in my life who have helped, inspired, and supported me through the more trying times. It's astounding to me how much love I've got coming my way. Anyways, I hope this blog hasn't been excessively corny or ridiculous, and I sincerely hope dear reader that you do something for you today. And if you're already feeling pretty good, why not do something for someone else? Maybe someone who you've neglected, someone you miss, or someone who isn't feeling as hot as you feel.

I really want to make sense of this...

Originally written 6/26/08

So I’m sitting here at the Amsterdam airport. Schiphol Airport, to be more exact. I think it kinda sounds like shithole, but this is one of the most modern airports I've ever been to. So maybe mis-misnomer? It’s been a long journey here, no doubt, but I’m going where I need to go to say the least. We’ll just start from the beginning, though.

This tale of sorts began with my mother telling me I was leaving on a Wednesday for my trip to Venice. Little did I know, I was supposed to leave Tuesday to arrive Wednesday in Philly to meet up with my gal pal Sara, and just fly direct to Venice from there. But, no such luck. I full on missed my Tuesday night flight, blissfully unaware.

So on Wednesday morning (it’s Thursday afternoon here in Amsterdam now, but as far as I’m concerned I’m still stuck on this Wednesday morning), I turned on my phone and was bombarded by voicemail after voicemail, text message after text message from Sara asking if I was okay, and more importantly the question, “where the hell are you David?”

And the good old narcissistic side in me said, “Ha! What a meaningless worry this is! I’m leaving tonight, Sara!” And then I finally checked out a document I should have much earlier in the week called a travel itinerary, from United Airlines. Boy was I wrong. And from there it was just a gay panic with just lots of shouting at myself and quite a bit of sobbing. I thought I was going to miss this trip entirely. How could I miss this trip?

So I called Sara and within seconds I was booked on another flight that would make it to Venice only hours after my original travel plans said I would. Of course, the sum of money required to do so was nothing to shake a stick at, and I have no idea how I’m going to produce this amount of money to cover my ass. Suffice it to say, here I am in Amsterdam, scheduled to take off in another two hours or so.

But why don’t we start with my last plane ride, from San Francisco to Amsterdam. Okay so just to put all of this into perspective, the flight left the Bay Area at around three pm. It arrived at 10:30AM in Amsterdam. I slept about an hour, shallowly, with children kicking me from behind (wonders never cease) and a rather large Scandinavian man next to me who had those “long dancers legs” but sans the dancer part. Eek. And I was pushed into that godawful window seat.

But the flight ended, and so did most of the sorrow associated with it. Can’t say I didn’t enjoy a Heine extra cold at the bar about an hour ago. And I can’t say I’m not enjoying stroopwafels as I type this whole thing out. But something just doesn’t feel right about all of this.

Forgetting a flight isn’t at all my forte. Forgetting anything isn’t really my forte, really. But I suppose there are distractions and misnformations and blindspots people simply can’t avoid, no matter how hard they try. I can’t just sit here and say this is all my mother’s fault, because it’s not. But I can’t say I wasn’t a little misled, or a little misinformed as to my date of departure.

I just hate what a gay panic I was brought into. I’ve been fighting myself as to who’s fault it was for hours now, and I think it’s finally time for me to just get to Venice, see the gal pal and just say fuck it until I return to the real world on July 7th. More job assignments are upcoming, more time still with the house to myself, and more recently, more time to spend with one of my most favorite distractions. It’s one of those vacations you’ll get to enjoy and return from, because maybe you left something (or someone?) at home you miss.

Just Another Day in the Kitch

When I told y’all a few blogs ago I was cooking, I really meant it. I’ve been cooking (and consequently cleaning) in the kitchen the past few days, and I’ve been to Whole Foods like four times in the past week. This is unprecedented. For me, at least.

I got to make lamb, as promised to myself, and God was it good. I learned a lot from the recipe, too. I did a lamb curry recipe from Cook’s Illustrated, and I invited my gal pal Patsy over to corroborate. We started with whole spices: cardamom, bay leaves, peppercorns, cloves, and cinnamon sticks. And after the addition of some more dried spices, the lamb, some potatoes, and a jalapeño--voila! The most amazing, full-bodied curry imaginable. And so wonderfully spicy, I got hot and bothered after my first spoonful. I swear food and sex are really just enmeshed entities.

And what would a week of cooking be without the famed chicken tetrazzini? Oh yes, dear reader, it was wonderfully orgasmic as well. The nutmeg brings it all together, I swear. It takes the cream, noodles, mushrooms, onions, and peas together and tells them all to do their best. And the crisped breadcrumbs and parmesan on top is the perfect crunch. I really could go on all day about all of this.

I also decided to take a walk on the wild side with Janet Planet and did some gluten-free cooking. The fact that science has come up with gluten-free flour and xanthan gum is just amazing to me. I mean this banana bread woulda fooled me had I not know it had no wheat. I suppose I’ve never been much for molecular gastronomy and cooking with chemicals, but we’ve come a long way from slaughtering tigers with bows and arrows.

Today, however, I believe was my most proud culinary moment. I made carnitas on a whim, and for the first time in my life the recipe came out flawlessly. And as much as I know people who won’t eat pork, just try to appreciate how amazing this recipe is. So basically it involved me simmering the pork in a broth with onions, an orange, some spices, and a bay leaf. And it just sat in the oven for two hours, rather than being fried in lard. Barf. So it all came out moist, not dry and crispy, and it wasn’t overly salty or pork-y tasting. And while all that was cooking I decided to make some Nilla Wafer banana pudding. Total Americana food.

So we’ll see what the rest of this week brings to my culinary forefront. Over and out. And don’t forget to preheat your ovens.

Open Wounds

Sometimes we don’t really get closure on relationships. It’s no phone call, it’s no email, it’s nothing. Like sinning through omission it never feels right, but it seems the least wrong. And it drives people absolutely mad, especially the communicators. Regardless of whether the person didn’t find the other attractive, interesting, or intelligent, I think many would rather face not being any of those things to facing an awkward disconnect.

It comes down to an issue of fear, I’m beginning to think. People are afraid to dish and take the truth. In many ways I think people are cutting off communication as an act of compassion, rather than discussing their issues with the other person. However, the question then becomes, what is the most compassionate thing to do when you want to get out of a southbound relationship? How do we walk the paper-thin lines of etiquette and emotional maturity?

To be honest, I’ve never cared too much for Emily Post. I hardly believe etiquette is an adequate reference when dealing with case-by-case individuals who all behave differently. But let’s talk about emotional maturity for a moment: to be a truly compassionate person, what choices are best when saying goodbye? There are a multitude of answers to that question, all with a gradient of least to most mature methods.

Let’s try to imagine an individual with a psychological disorder, for which they are not receiving treatment. Let’s also imagine you’ve been dating this individual for a few weeks, and it’s now clear that the disorder interferes with, or will interfere with, a future relationship. You’ve decided to jump this sinking ship of a relationship, so to save yourself, do you pick the speedboat, the rowboat, or the inner tube?

Maybe you pick the speedboat—you just have to get out as quickly as possible, and by dint of the other choking on your exhaust, it’s obvious you’re gone without ever opening your mouth. They never know why you left, and honestly, who cares? He or she is obviously so screwed up that they wouldn’t even know how to handle it, right? Or maybe they would go ballistic and emotional and it’d all just be a hot mess you want no part of.

But maybe you pick the rowboat—you’ve got time and energy enough to row away slowly, and you’re able to at least say goodbye. You don’t get into specifics as to why you’re leaving, and maybe you fib a little. The dog died, grandma’s in the hospital, you’d rather just be alone: whatever your excuse it gets you out of it, and at least you’re not cutting them off like a drugged up conjoined twin. It’s the kind thing to do, no? And maybe you muster up a crocodile tear for your eyes they always told you were beautiful.

And then there’s the inner tube—you’re ready to float around for a while, and you know the calm winds won’t be taking you anywhere soon. But you’re ready to brave it out, and you’ve got the maturity to take their reaction. You explain to them that they’ve clearly got some issues to work out and that you can’t be in a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to seek treatment for these issues. And best yet, you give them the benefit of the doubt and promise them you’d think about seeing them after they’ve worked things out, so long as the two of you are still available.

So these are just three metaphorical options that came to mind, and any is a viable option. It comes down the issue of compassion ultimately, though, as you question how much you are able to sympathize with another person. Love can be tough, and sometimes you’ve gotta get tough on those you love. And in many ways, it’s not about loving the other person, or even humanity. It’s really about loving yourself in the end.

Summer

I’ve been home for about a month now, and I can’t say it hasn’t been uneventful. In this short time, I’ve been up and down, drunk and sobered, and loved and tricked. This whole new summer adjustment period felt so ridiculous. I mean I had (and still pretty much have) nothing to do. So what did I do?

I slept. I slept a lot. I’d do that whole go to sleep at 6AM and wake up around noon or one. I absolutely hate that schedule…I mean it just feels so unproductive. I live in a country house (we’ll get to that in a moment) in a valley that goes to sleep every night around ten, maybe eleven at the latest. Nightlife isn’t exactly rich here, so I found myself creating nights of downloaded Family Guy episodes and Super Mario Three. (The costume where he throws the hammers is a personal favorite—it even kills the Thwomps.) And don’t feel sorry for me please, dear reader! I did enough of that already.

And I adjusted to living in this country guesthouse in Saratoga, which my mom affectionately refers to as the “Cozy Cottage,” as if it’s a fairy tale locale with mythical creatures and princes and princesses, kings and queens. I find it quite ridiculous, myself, as I listen to coyotes out my window at this very moment, whining at the moon reddened by forest fires. It’s beautiful, really, but it’s too much of a getaway for me. This is the kind of place I’d retreat to on vacation and spend a week, and then return to city life, or a variation thereof. The internet is also lousy here. Just insult to injury I guess.

And I went on a few dates. Of course, I’m not going to say my life isn’t controlled by hormones nor say I’m a teenager looking to marry, but it’s the summer and I want to have that more than platonic summer companion. Just wondering where he is now, I suppose, as the last three didn’t really yield much. To their credit, they were great guys and I have nothing bad to say about them, suffice it to say together we lacked chemistry. I’m beginning to think my valence electrons are as shifty as Oprah’s weight. Gosh darn it!

And I started to work. For the most fabulously successful gay realtor known to man. But he doesn’t call when he needs to and it’s always hard to figure out what he’s looking for. But he’s paying me cash to do his marketing biddings and door knocking. Mother says I’ll probably have to find another job, but I hate restaurants and I hate retail. I need another La Patisserie era to come again. I truly will remember my days there in a profoundly fond way, and I sincerely hope they’re all doing well, especially to those with whom I have lost touch.

And then I sold the car. Mom gave me ten percent of the proceeds of the sale. Whoopee!

And I’ve cooked. “Yum-O!,” as that dreadful bitch Rachael Ray would say. Chicken tetrazzini is officially my new favorite food, and I also love pies. Thus far, I’ve done blueberry and cherry, and I have yet to get that piecrust just right. Almost there, though. Stay tuned. Waffles are also tickling my fancy lately: I’m doing the recipes that use yeast and you make the batter the night before and let it rise. They’re wicked good if you like a bite of buttery tartness to your waffles. I went out and got a chef’s knife, too. I don’t work with those little steak knifes when I cook. I really need to cook lamb this week.

And I’ve seen a lot of friends. It’s interesting to see how much we’ve grown as we’ve been apart, not to say we’ve grown apart, but y’know just how we’ve grown. Some have become entirely different people while some have remained their old selves. I like to think that regardless of how much I grow, that my friendships with people at home and in college remain the same. There’s something funny about relationships I have with friends…it’s like there’ll always be that little thing that somehow keeps us together. And with respect to the friends I’ve lost or let go, I still think about them in a positive way and just acknowledge our differences.

So this is my summer thus far. I was supposed to be living with my dad, but he unfortunately bizzounced to Boston to work at a new company. Can’t say I don’t want to bitch the little bugger out for ditching both me and my nine year old sister. I’m finding more and more though that I’m silenced by his financial offers—a debit card linked to his account, the responsibility to pay his bills and handle his finances, and my gas, paid. Not to mention I also guilted him into getting me a window air conditioner for those extra sultry nights and a phone with internet for the lack of internet at my residence. My Love Don’t Cost a Thing? Well for daddy, not so much.

It's Been a While

I haven't had time to blog, or rather, haven't had the inspiration. It's kind of sad, actually. I love addressing this mystery audience of cyberspace. Something inside of me thinks there's at least one person that reads about me. At any rate, I think I'm sufficiently inspired. I've turned on the sappy Sunday morning tunes on a Saturday evening and I'm ready to blog.

I'm really excited for summer, for starters. A release from the pressures of academic pursuits will provide me time for me to do what I really [think I] need to do. I can get a job, deal with the ridiculous nature of menial employment again, and just have my own money to spend. Not to mention, starting a romance might be nice. It's really anybody's guess at this point.

I miss my family, as much as I may bemoan them throughout the school year. But when it really comes down to who loves me, I can always count on those guys. My mom always calls first, and it's always nice to know that one relationship in my life will work that way. And dad's moving to Boston. God knows how I'll handle that. I'm going to visit Granny next week in San Diego. I'm hoping she brings clarity to me in that wisened sage kinda way.

Feet Planted

My spring break hasn't exactly been what I'd hoped for. I've seen many friends who I don't see during my college stints, and that all has been fantastic. I love you guys so much, and I'm so sorry we have such a limited time together. But at the same time, I feel like I have so much stuff to get organized. I'll be getting out of school in roughly two months, and at that point, beginning a new life living with my dad for the summer. I suppose now would also be a good time to vent about my parent's forthcoming divorce: I hate the drama. Enough said.

I'm realizing too that I'm living a multitude of different lives with their own respective identities. The primary "life" I'm living is that of a college student living away from home, enjoying friends and parties, and of course, working toward a degree. This is by far the easiest life to live, as it involves a lot of autonomy and very few restrictions. On the other hand, I'm going to have a life up in NorCal where I hopefully get a job for the summer and enjoy a little kickback, and of course maybe some romance. This life is harder, since I'm living it only a small fraction of the year and as yet, I have no guaranteed summer job.

Why just today I was working on a prospect for employment. But let me tell you, employers aren't keen on my double life of summer/the rest of my year at school. Temporary employment isn't so appealing to these people, and I'm finding myself sort of mucking through the application process. To gain an edge, I put on my suit, did my hair, and made sure I printed out my resume on that special kind of paper. This was met with:

1) This is just your resume, did you actually fill out an application? Yes you little twit, it's stapled to the back. Are you blind?!

2) So you're starting in May? Are you going to have to go back to school? Well duh, but maybe I won't tell you. I'm just wondering if you're smart enough to look my school up on the internet and realize Claremont is 300 miles from here.

and

3) Do you have a business card? Well, if you're going to be the one calling me, what purpose would that serve? Are you going on a narcissistic pedestal here so that I might see your name is printed on a slice of cardstock above the title Asst. Manager? I already have one, yes, thank you.

Everyone is telling me that the working world is just like this. It's not necessarily comforting or encouraging, but don't ever take me for someone who just gives up. So given these two lives, which one should I more firmly plant my feet? Do I try for a relationship up north, or down south? Either way, I'm going to be stretched. It's so unfortunate that I'm now beginning to wish I didn't go to school so far away...and I'm now looking past the experiences I'm going to have in the next few years and focusing more on my degree.

The Nature of a Patellar Subluxation

I really hate continually bringing up my recent injury over and over again, but the more time I spend thinking about it, the more I realize that there's a real lesson to be learned. And it has nothing to do with safer dancing.

Coming home that night from the hospital, high on morphine, it took me a while to realize the full extent of my injury. Crutching around for a week, sweating up a storm everywhere I went it was painful for me. Not only did I feel pain from the crutches, but also for everyone else around me. Waiting for me to catch up periodically, bringing me food, putting on my socks...I just felt so dependent, and I hated it. I still hate it. I've never felt more helpless. I've never felt so loved, either.

It gets uncomfortable having everyone cater to you, doing the things you know you could do with your eyes closed. I want to especially mention those who offer their automobiles for my transport to and from the hospital or orthopedic center. It's like being a child again, having someone else tying your shoes and driving you to soccer practice. And it hurts me to know I'm a dependent person. All that stuff about how amazing it is to be waited on hand and foot...I feel like it's all a crock.

So now I'm just a person with a sore, braced kneecap. And I hobble every once and a while when I get tired. And I hate that I can't walk down stairs without taking it one step at a time. So thanks for waiting, and thanks for all your help in my healing process. Know I'm not in pain, and know that being injured like this for the first time in my life at nineteen isn't so easy. If I was a kid I'd be happy to be walking already, but I still can't help feeling like I've got this emotional part of me that has to recover.

But every time that I take a step and bend my mostly-healed but still busted leg, I take so much pride knowing I can finally walk without two awkward metal poles lodged in my armpits. I know I'm breakable, and it hurts, but the scars will merit stories to be told and lessons to be learned. And to think it could have been so much worse--; my body may be healing and my mind may be faltering emotionally, but you'd have to hit me harder to break my spirit.

Back Home

A lot of friends and acquaintances have asked me how it is to be back in my dorm room. I still don't really have a straight answer, and frankly, I have to say it feels a little strange.

When I left back in December for my residential "home", I felt like I was leaving the greater of my two homes. My dorm was truly a place of safety and comfort for me--my things and my life organized the way I pleased and desired. However, when I eventually got back to the Bay Area, my room back home felt like an alien environment. Like my dorm, it was my former place of safety and comfort. But when I returned, I had to rearrange furniture and return possessions that had been stashed for storage in the nooks and crannies. It was to say the least an annoying and irksome process of moving back in. By the end of break my room had become my home again, however only after a series of scented candle burnings and a fierce organizational overhaul.

My return to collegiate "home" was also a somewhat laborious process. After schlepping nearly three suitcases full of clothes old and new, my famed wooden hangers, and my menagerie of hygienic knickknacks, I had to unpack and recreate my environment nearly from scratch. From the second I walked in the room, it smelled stale and acrid. Glasses were left unwashed and the sheets were left unmade. Cords were unplugged left and right, by purported environmental conservationists. "Ugh," I murmured, as I washed my sheets and hung/shelved a seemingly endless array of clothing. My towels were pretty grody, too.

But as much as this may sound like a self-indulgent rant about superficial annoyances, I cannot stress enough what it really means to have "something to come home to." I realize now I won't ever be able to live some nomadic life, traveling whichever direction the wind carries me. I really need a home base--a nest I build with metaphorical twigs I gather and assemble.

Pieces of Humanity

As the coffee at the VW service counter wasn't sufficient, I found myself walking to Starbucks to enjoy my usual triple cappuccino. It was a very zen moment for me, just sort of sitting there doing nothing in particular, just enjoying my beverage and watching people walk in and out. It was then that I had noticed a woman with her coffee and New York Times in tote, who began to walk toward a table to sit down and enjoy her beverage and her paper. However, fate somehow intervened.

Apparently her barista didn't care to snap the lid shut sufficiently, and she thus couldn't avoid spilling a quarter of her coffee all over her wonderfully planned-out work outfit. And for a moment, I just watched her there, standing in silence. She just didn't know how to react--she didn't curse or so much as wiggle a finger. I felt guilty just watching this misfortune transpire, and eager to avoid being some kind of schadenfreude, I handed her the napkin on my table. That gesture was apparently enough to snap her out of her reverie, at which point, she unintentionally muttered something quite philosophical: "Could you imagine such a thing?"

And as inane and absurd this might sound, it fired up the synapses quicker than the cappuccino could. This woman somehow thought she was exempt from any kind of ill-fated morning misfortune, even though a coffee spill is pretty low on the hierarchy of ill-fated occurrences. And I think she's not alone in this train of thought. I have this idea going now that most people just couldn't stand to take a fall and endure so much as a scratch. Or worse, someone could think that they're somehow above everyone else, and thus are not subject to stupid choices and mistakes and folly. Infinitely worse is when they expect another to take the fall for them.

So could I "imagine such a thing"? Why yes, I could. I could imagine something like that occurring just about once, if not multiple times in a day to me. People are so incredibly imperfect, and for some reason that seems so painful for people to take. So you spilled your coffee. Go get someone to mop it off the floor, finish drying off yourself, and enjoy the rest of your coffee and your paper already. Can't you see you've got a life to live? Or better yet, "Can you imagine that your day has a greater meaning?" I mean it's people like these who account for the booming antiperspirant market...

Of Pride and Arrogance

I'm finally coming to terms with it.

My younger years were filled with bullying and bullies, fitting in, and heavyset adolescence. I was never good enough to get the girl and couldn't realize I wanted the boy. Constant struggles every day to fill the notion of what everyone else wanted--endless exhaustion and hurt. "You know nothing, You are ordinary, You aren't it." Secondhand sadness and the receptors underneath ignored and unresolved. Out of balance and harmony with the self, let alone the world.

The more recent years signify the beginning of something different. "It's out of the shell! Look, everyone! what's going on with him?" The new skin felt so different, so uncomfortable. While the others saw the evolution, I just tried to pick up the pieces of my shell and plaster them to the mirror--:"I just...I mean what's the difference? You don't mean that. Are you serious?" The hurt lingered and the missing pieces and what the mirror said...being better not feeling better.

All along, there was no missing piece and no shell to break out of and no mirror. I've just been me. And it's always been about what I've seen in the me I see. So sadly, the me I saw in me was the me they saw in me. The continuities needed to be broken and destroyed, the bridge burned. I am me, and will see me as such. I am human and I will never be the same. I am a human and I know what I am. I am amazing, I am beautiful.

But being amazing and beautiful means nothing. It means nothing, when the only thing I know to be amazing is myself. My family, however, is amazing. The friends in my life are also amazing. I have all the faith in the world that other people in my life will be or will become amazing. I'm so glad, and so happy today as I sit here and type these words. In this first experience of amazingness, I'm mad proud we can all be amazing together.

A Fruitfully Meaningful Day

This day has been quite a day, to be sure. I chopped up the family Christmas tree, which was quite a feat of blood, sweat and tears. It's very reassuring that I can do this though, and thus I'll add it to my list of tasks people probably think I'm not capable of. In addition to this task is fixing toilets and spa maintenance, if you're curious. I'm always out to surprise and amaze, I suppose. In addition, I saw a friend for coffee at my favorite little Venetian coffee house. We hadn't seen each other in at least a year, and it was amazing to see how we could reconnect so quickly, as if no time had elapsed at all. It's reassuring to think that coffee is such a uniting force, or in my case robusta in tazza.

Kylie Minogue has also produced an astounding amount of highs for me today. (I now look forward to driving and getting down behind the wheel.) I feel like my relationship with her is getting more and more amazing as I continue to explore her CD song after song. Everything seems to concern this perfect man that she's found, and I think I can really bond with her ideas, even though I have yet to meet the perfect man. I like to think the perfect man doesn't actually exist. If he did, he'd probably be pretty unattractive. I'll take burping at the table, bed head, and 5 o'clock shadow over some perfect Ken doll any day.

The next-door-neighbors to these ideas of the perfect man are the fantasies I have about what kind of relationship I'm going to have. I have all of these wonderfully serendipitous ideas about what he'll be like, and how things will all transpire, and how it will be so blissful. Commensurate to how wonderful these notions are, is the hurt that they entail. Anyone with half a brain can see how ridiculous these high expectations are. The future can look so appealing and promising, but the present is forgotten in the process. What a crazy idea it is to focus on what is happening, and not what I want to happen...

Hopefully I can just start living my life. I'm beginning to think life is a lot like a good cup of coffee: sip it slowly, don't gulp, and engage all the senses. You can spend your whole life imagining what the coffee will taste like, or worse, just down it too quickly to enjoy all it has to offer.

I suppose that's enough coffee shop metaphorical philosophy for one blog. Cheers all.

Life as a Trainwreck

Lately, people just seem to tell me about how down I'm feeling. I'm not sure if I'm actually depressed or if I just present that in my composure. It's frustrating because maybe I'm feeling happy, and I just can't get that across.

The bottom line is that this past week has been a royal wreck for me, between familial drama and amorous disappointments. I suppose as much as I hope to get out of all of this nonsense, it still is something I have to deal with and figure out. Despite talking to amazingly supportive friends, it still seems to linger like the smell of fresh paint. Maybe it's time for me to take a walk.

What obligation do I have to family to fix their problems? Do I need to let them figure it out or do I have to get my hands all mucked up in their dirt and fix them? And as far as the amorous nonsense goes, how can I stop setting up false expectations? It's in all of those great expectations that exist great disappointments, as unfortunate as that may be.

The New Year

As I begin this "new" year, I'm making the conscious choice to write more. The way I will go about this is to share the somewhat mindless, significant, and otherwise nonsensical details of my existence through Blogspot. Through reading this, one can undoubtedly gain insight into my thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and hopefully in time realize why I see the paramount importance in spelling behaviour with an extra 'u.' While I can't guarantee anyone will enjoy this, it is my utmost hope and desire that it does more than just sit and accumulate internetical dust.