Of Pride and Arrogance

I'm finally coming to terms with it.

My younger years were filled with bullying and bullies, fitting in, and heavyset adolescence. I was never good enough to get the girl and couldn't realize I wanted the boy. Constant struggles every day to fill the notion of what everyone else wanted--endless exhaustion and hurt. "You know nothing, You are ordinary, You aren't it." Secondhand sadness and the receptors underneath ignored and unresolved. Out of balance and harmony with the self, let alone the world.

The more recent years signify the beginning of something different. "It's out of the shell! Look, everyone! what's going on with him?" The new skin felt so different, so uncomfortable. While the others saw the evolution, I just tried to pick up the pieces of my shell and plaster them to the mirror--:"I just...I mean what's the difference? You don't mean that. Are you serious?" The hurt lingered and the missing pieces and what the mirror said...being better not feeling better.

All along, there was no missing piece and no shell to break out of and no mirror. I've just been me. And it's always been about what I've seen in the me I see. So sadly, the me I saw in me was the me they saw in me. The continuities needed to be broken and destroyed, the bridge burned. I am me, and will see me as such. I am human and I will never be the same. I am a human and I know what I am. I am amazing, I am beautiful.

But being amazing and beautiful means nothing. It means nothing, when the only thing I know to be amazing is myself. My family, however, is amazing. The friends in my life are also amazing. I have all the faith in the world that other people in my life will be or will become amazing. I'm so glad, and so happy today as I sit here and type these words. In this first experience of amazingness, I'm mad proud we can all be amazing together.